My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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