I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
