and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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