I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
