Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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