Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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