Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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