first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
