Please, let me fuck your mom
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Buhtt sex?
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
