All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize