At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
