We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
