He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
how drunk are you?
Several
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
