the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
