Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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