I got chris browned last night
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
