A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i just google imaged poop.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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