Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
It's never too late to be topless.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Randomize
