I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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