I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
