I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
