i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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