I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize