There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
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