When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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