Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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