Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
