I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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