Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
