I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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