I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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