don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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