you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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