ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
