So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
