I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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