I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
