Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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