I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
There's always time for handjobs
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
BRING THE BAGELS
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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