So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
