I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
