i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
