I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
being pregnant is like rehab
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
