Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
