I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
