you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
