Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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