matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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