I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
