and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
