Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
