if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
