Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I intend to get homeless drunk
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
