My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
