i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
