So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize