i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My vagina is officially offended.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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