i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize