I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize