He uses pillows to masturbate.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
