You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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