saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
