I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
