areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
