I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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